Bumper Stickers

Asheville is in the Guinness Book for having the most bumper stickers. Anywhere you go in that town and you will learn where people hike, what their political views are (usually militant), how to best save the earth, where their critters go to school, et al.



However, Ashevilleans have something to learn from the stickered in Hattiesburg. In Asheville, you have to use multiple stickers to convey that you are on the same hippie-page as all of the other stickered hippies. All of your 'save the world- damn the man' stickers could be rendered null and void by one false move. For instance, all Che Guevara stickers must be removed post haste or the hippies will kick you out of their Utopian book club and Tips for Dreading Your Hair listserv. People finally read about their Hero to the People and realized he was quite the bastard. It's no longer cool to admire Che... unless you want to be a part of that group.

The rednecks know that the more simple something is, the better. All you have to do in Hattiesburg to be 'One of the boys' is have a simple silhouette of a deer's head on the back windshield of your car. It can't actually be on the bumper, this faux pas might as well be coupled with a 'Hillary for President' sticker. And it has to be a certain sticker (I haven't found a picture yet, but will); no substitutes allowed. As long as you can follow these few simple rules, no other bumper stickers are needed to join the club. Having 'the deer' gets you secret information on where the best 'kills' happen, which clubs have the loosest women, and which John Deer tractor is the best for your bush-hogging needs. It's a beautiful plan.

I actually saw a different bumper sticker today that got me thinking about this. It spoke volumes about the driver of the 1988 teal-green Ford, although not in the way I think the man expected it to do. The sticker said "I ((heart)) My Wife."

Now. This is a very nice sentiment but still a little over-done even if bought at a five-and-dime. What one notices when looking closely though is that this glorious bumper sticker was the man's award for attending a marriage reconciliation retreat. What this tells me is that this man screwed up royally and the oh-so-affectionate bumper sticker is his self-adhesive scarlet letter.

I've seen a few of these around town and it's pretty much well known that it means the man got caught. Now, I'm not saying that women don't cheat- I'm just saying that the wives are smart enough to lose the bumper sticker while cleaning up the double-wide.

I live in such a glorious town, don't I?