That Neighbor

"Hi, my name is Big C. Some people call me Vanessa," were the first words spoken to my by any of my new neighbors when I moved to this apartment last May.

Big C is an RN, a drag queen, a loud-mouth, and a person who is prone to 11 decibel fits of rage and anger.

One of the first times I hung out with my neighbors as a group was when we all went to support Vanessa at her pageant. MMHmm Giiiiiiiiirl, lemme teeeeeeeeeeell you. It was quite a site to see. When Vanessa walked out there with all the sass and beauty-queen attitude she could muster (which was more than enough) I didn't know what to think. One thought I do remember was 'Grown men should never wear white evening gowns. Darker colors would work so much better.'

Big C adds character to our little family at The Nest, where most of us are simple college students with simple lives. He is constantly regaling us with stories about his 15 siblings, his ever-present lawsuit and the lawyer who is out to get him, and his "Paaaaaaaaaagints."

Today Big C came over to use my computer and printer. As he stepped in the door, he got on the phone with a friend whom he lovingly referred to as "Alright Bee-atch." As in, "Alright Bee-atch. You know I was the best at that Paaaaaaaaagint." Not only was Big C loud enough to send my cats cowering, but the young man on the other end of the phone was clearly audible from my safe distance of 6 or 7 feet away. I finally got what he needed printed. As he said "Thank you guuuuurl," he gave me a kiss in the vicinity of each cheek (one hit my ear).

Running into Big C is like hallucinating that the entire world is a little bit louder and a little bit more technicolor than it actually is. God bless 'm, that 'Bee-atch.'

Is it rape?

After last night's drama and cries of rape, I began to think. Was she raped or was she regretful?

Now, I wasn't there and I don't know the whole situation. All I know is the girl's character and tendency to get extremely inebriated and uninhibited. I realized that this gave me an extremely biased opinion of the situation and I began to wonder "What is rape? If a woman causes her own inebriation, is the man who takes advantage of her committing a crime?"

There is a term for situations like this. It is called ambiguous rape. There are many other types of ambiguous rape and to try to consider them all together would be too much for this one blog post.

There is a concise article written by a JMU professor who took a poll on women’s perceptions of rape. Only 18% of the women polled believed it was rape if "woman was severely impaired by alcohol and/or drugs and did not have the ability to resist." That's a pretty harsh judgment they made on fellow women.

Another site had some sad, but interesting statistics on the subject:

-One in four women surveyed was victim of rape or attempted rape.
-An additional one in four women surveyed was touched sexually against her will or was victim of sexual coercion.
-84 percent of those raped knew their attacker.
-57 percent of those rapes happened while on dates.
-One in twelve male students surveyed had committed acts that met the legal definitions of rape or attempted rape.
-84 percent of those men who committed rape said that what they did was definitely not rape.
-Sixteen percent of the male students who committed rape and ten percent of those who attempted a rape took part in episodes involving more than one attacker.

An article written in Time mentions that most people perceive rape as a crime of power, acted out by a stranger in a dark alley. It goes on to mention that a possible reason for this perception is that women don't want to face the fact that rape could be perpetrated by someone familiar. With that reality, how is a woman supposed to let her guard down and be comfortable around friends? I'm not sure if I agree with this sentiment, but I digress.

The question is- if a woman is drunk on her on volition, is the man she has sex with a rapist? After reading some articles online today and using knowledge and opinion I already possess, here is how I feel about the situation.

1. If she says 'No' in a direct and unambiguous manner, it is rape. It is an assertion of power over a woman against her will, whether or not there is violence. Rape is such an awful crime and we need to be careful not to stereo-type it into the 'back alley stranger' crime that it is often portrayed as.

2. If she never says the word 'No,' it may be a reprehensible action, but it is not rape. The man, I believe, is taking advantage of the woman's lack of good judgment, but she is consenting. However, this does not take into account the man’s motive for his actions. How do you judge whether or not a man believes he is partaking in consensual sex or if he is exerting power over someone he knows is powerless to resist his advances due to her intoxicated state? I believe that if there was a way to accurately determine motive, legal judgment in cases of rape would be simple and straightforward. However, it is very difficult to determine a man’s motives and the stakes at hand are too high for error. It becomes a dangerous game of ‘he said, she said.’

3. If she says 'No' but is coy, misleading and ambiguous, it is a miscommunication on the woman’s part. I think that in this case, with the woman (and possibly man) being intoxicated, there is a lack of moral responsibility to one’s self and to one’s neighbor that is taking place. I’m just not so sure I could call it rape and have the man punished legally, socially, and psychologically.

Even as I write all of this, I have doubts about every stance I have taken. I don’t believe that anything I have said is an inaccurate portrayal of my opinion; but every situation is different and it is impossible to come up with a standard for judgment, even within the specific parameters I have explored.

If there is anyone reading this that has been raped, know that my heart goes out to you. Even though my definitions may not call your experience rape, I understand that each woman knows the truth about her own experience even if that experience cannot be accurately defined by law.

How do you feel on the matter? Do you agree with me? Think I'm dead-wrong? Let me know.

Twilight Zone.

Tonight was just strange.

After hanging out with the neighbors and the three Frenchmen they had collected, I went to my friend Myke's barbecue. This would have been a totally fine and dandy time, except tonight was 'meet the girlfriend night.' Girlfriend is a wee-bit possessive (do you like how I downplayed that for sarcastic effect?) and Myke was a wee bit oblivious. I told him that she didn't like me and his response was 'We don't have those issues.' Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I wasn't very comfortable and so I left.

I came home and partied with the at the neighbor's place. Besides the Frenchmen, there was a Spaniard, a few Americans, Romina from Venezuela, and Robbie- the resident of said apartment. The Frenchies were very nice, hard to understand at times, but nice. I have to admit though, I was proven wrong tonight. I thought the story about French people having serious BO was a myth. It's not. They don't give a f*. Oh, and according to them "'Merican wine is sheet, just plain sheet; not real wine." Fair enough, I guess.

Then the local train-wreck twenty-year-old alcoholic stirred up some drama. She said someone raped her (I doubt it, but can't say for sure). His little group of loser friends showed up to make a point. Train-wreck got all dramatic and hell broke loose. Such crap. I just wanted to enjoy my little beer, hang out and listen to foreign languages, and meet some new people. As the Frenchies would say, "Sheet. Just sheet." Damn juvies.

Oh yeah, don't forget about the cops showing up. That was classic. All the young'ns were running for the bedrooms to hide from the cops while Mr. Bravado decided to go and tell the cops that everything is just fine. You know, there is always that one guy that is sure he can smooth things over. I felt like I was in high school again.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. I just needed to put this in writing so that when I wake up in the morning I'll know it really happened. My life is very quiet and the whole evening was just a little surreal.

Acid and Base

I have a test tomorrow on acid-base balance and renal function. I've been told that teaching something is the best way to learn it. You all get to be my students. Don't you feel lucky? Now pay attention, there will be a question at the end.

pH is determined by how many hydrogen atoms you have floating around in your plasma, which is the part of the blood that is not red and white blood cells. pH can also be measured in the urine, cerebro-spinal fluid, and GI tract for medical analysis.

We are going to focus on blood plasma pH, because that is what is measured in an ABG (aterial blood gas). If the hydrogen atoms are high, the pH is low. If there are not enough free hydrogen atoms, the pH reads high. The normal range for pH in the blood is between 7.35 and 7.45, with 7.4 (obviously, but importantly) being the dividing line.

Two compounds control pH through their respective body mechanisms. Let me explain. Carbon dioxide (CO2) is retained or 'blown off' by the lungs. The measure of CO2 in the ABG tells you if the lungs are functioning like they should, therefore it is the respiratory element of the puzzle. A change in CO2 reflects a problem with respiration; unless it is a compensatory mechanism, which I will discuss later. The normal range for CO2 is 35-45 (just like the decimal points in pH).

Bicarbonate (HCO3) is the other compound we look at in an ABG analysis. It is the metabolic element of an ABG analysis. It shows how well the kidneys are doing their job. It could also be out of normal range as a compensetory act for a respiratory problem. The normal range for HCO3 is 22-26.

These values can give you a plethora of information about a patient's state of health and possible causes for the medical problem.

pH: acid-7.35-normal-7.45-base
CO2- base-35-normal-45-acid
HCO3- acid-22-normal-26-base

Still with me? If so, you're a champ. Ok, onward we go.

If you will notice, there is a much wider range for CO2 than there is for HCO3. Respiratory compensation for acid-base imbalance is much quicker than metabolic and so less exact. It is also not quite as powerful as metabolic (think kidneys) compensation.

There are four main pH imbalances. They are:

1. Respiratory acidosis- pH will be <7.35, CO2 will be >45, and HCO3 will be WNL (within normal limits).
Here is an example.

pH- 7.20
CO2- 47
HCO3- 24

Respiratory acidosis is caused by a retention of CO2. This is an easy one to observe. The person will not be breathing. This can be caused by suffocation, barbituate overdose, trauma, pneumonia, sleep apnea, CHF (congestive heart failure), obesity, pulmonary embolism, and other problem that affect the lungs. You get the point. You don't breath, you get respiratory acidosis. To solve the problem, I suggest breathing again.

2. Respiratory alkalosis- pH will be >7.45, CO2 will be <35, and HCO3 will be WNL.

pH- 7.48
CO2- 31
HCO3- 25

Respiratory alkalosis is caused by hyperventilation. A person flips out over seeing a spider, starts breathing too fast, the lungs 'blow-off' too much CO2 and the blood becomes too alkaline. To solve this problem, kill the spider. Aspirin overdose can also cause respiratory alkalosis.

3. Metabolic acidosis- pH will be <7.35, CO2 will be WNL, and HCO3 will be <22.

The lab values could look like this:

pH- 7.33
CO2- 36
HCO3- 20

Metabolic acidosis (remember it's renal) can be caused by diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA), starvation, dehydration, diarrhea, end-stage renal disease (ESRD), hyperkalemia, or lactic acidosis.

4. Metabolic alkalosis- pH will be >7.45, CO2 will be WNL, and HCO3 will be >26.

pH- 7.48
CO2- 40
HCO3- 29

Metabolic alkalosis can be caused by persistant vomiting, gastric suction (getting your stomach pumped), kidney failure, use of a potassium-wasting duiretic, severe burns, or hypovolemia (blood loss, lack of fluids).

Is your head spinning yet? If not, stay with me and I'll tell you about all that compensation mess I mentioned earlier.

This is fairly simple to understand. If the lungs are causing too much acidity, the kidneys will respond with a more alkaline value. If the metabolic value is too acidic, the lungs will try to 'blow-off' more CO2, causing deep, rapid breathing known as Kussmaul's respirations.

If the lungs are causing the blood to be too alkaline, the bicarbonate value will become more acidic. If the kidneys aren't working right and the bicarbonate value becomes to alkaline, the lungs will compensate with a lower CO2 value.

Fascinating, isn't it?

Now for the question...

Do you like spiders?

Travel Map

The red dots are the places that I have been. I will get to add California in a few weeks. The lilac dots are the places that I want to see one day. If I listed all of the places I would travel if I had a lifetime to do so, the entire map would be bleeding lilac.

DC is my favorite red-dot. I love the city, with all it's museums, monuments, and the Metro. Riding the Metro is my favorite way to get around (sorry, Mad). I love that it is a big city, but feels like a small city and it is very clean- at least in the epicenter and up near Dupont Circle. I walked for miles by myself one day and felt safe the whole time. My two favorite places to eat there are Zorba's and the cafe under the Smithsonian Art Museum. I miss DC and hope I can go back to visit soon. I can't wait to share it with Wesley.

Oh Happy Day

Just a quick post to say that I did not get bitten by fleas last night! Whoo!

Oh.. and GO COLTS!! I really wanted them to play the Saints, but at least I will know who to cheer for in the Superbowl.

Who is Jack Bauer's hero? Peyton Manning. heh.

Fleas and Chocolate

I am posting this from Wesley's mom's house, which is on the coast. After being eaten alive by mystery critters last night I took drastic measures today. I started with a trip to Wally-world where I got flea bath, flea spray, and bug-bombs.

I came home and bathed Chloe and Sasha in my bath tub. I have a large scratch down my right arm to prove it. I was shocked, Shocked I tell you, to find that cats don't like being bathed. They really didn't like being immediately stuffed into a single cat-carrier to for an hour-long, wet drive down here. I know, I'm evil.

I wanted to get us all out of that critter-infested apartment as fast as possible. And I did... right after I let off two 700 sq ft bombs in my 400 sq ft apartment. Overkill? Maybe. Bug-free bed... you betch yer bottom.

Ms Lucy and I had a great night. We started out with dinner at Barnes and Noble. They have surprisingly tasty paninis. Then we went to the Grand Casino in Gulfport. We played penny slots and at one point I was up a whopping $2.83; not that I kept it. After the third time Ms Lucy said "This is the last dollar I'm going to play," I took her player's card. I was promptly informed that I was 'just no fun.' Is this what parenthood feels like?

After that, we walked around and watched people play at the poker and black-jack tables. Let me tell you something. People do not like for you to just stand and watch them play. I don't know what the big deal was, but we got some seriously dirty looks from the players and the dealers. Did we let it phase us? Hell no. We shot those looks right back and kept on watching.

We finally left after the last drawing for a plasma TV (they kept pronouncing our names wrong) and came home to enjoy some wine and chocolate. I brought Hershey's dark chocolate bars, but Lucy Jane had a jar of fan-freakin-tastic truffles that Wesley's brother brought her from Atlanta. I've got to find out where he got them so
that I can stop by there on my next trip to Asheville. Oh my God, they were so good!

All in all, it has been a very fun evening. Ms Lucy has offered to help me flea-comb the kitties in the morning and we should go home tomorrow a much healthier trio.

Blessings

Sometimes loneliness happens. I know that I have friends, family, and a wonderful boyfriend that loves me but life can feel mighty solitary when none of those people live in the same town as you do. This past week was one of those 'lonely times.'

That is, until yesterday. I have been volunteering at the Salvation Army Thrift Store in Laurel, 25 miles NE of here. Yesterday I connected with a woman there. Here name is Gay Beth. She is probably in her fifties and has two grown children. She is divorced and has five brothers. She moved to Laurel from Houston, I found out, to raise her children in a 'better place to live.' While we were rifling through other peoples junk she told me stories about her mother, a writer who hoarded things. I think she needed a friend, just like I did. She is a sweet lady and has a wicked sense of humor. I really enjoyed getting to know her and I hope that she realizes that she helped brighten my day.

I guess God knew that I needed a boost because He gave me a second dose yesterday. On Wednesday nights I go work out for an hour, as part of a class requirement. One of the girls from nursing school is in there too. She and I have talked before but never really connected. Last night we walked on the treadmills for an hour and just chatted. She was so sweet and we had such a nice conversation. I left the gym feeling better than I have since I got back from Asheville.

I have a favorite quote and I think it fits very well here:
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes... you just might find you get what you need."
~The Rolling Stones

The Religious Scientist

I will be a confirmed Episcopalian on March 4th. Today was the first day of my meetings with my priest, Mother Bear. I was glad to hear that the church will not consider me a heretic just because I don't believe God created the universe in seven earthly days.

Mother Bear did mention that the church is undergoing discussions of theology and doctrine at this time that will have a huge impact on the future Episcopal church. If that's the case, I hope that it will be in the direction of a blending of spirituality and science.

I was afraid to ask how 'the church' would respond to my belief that Jesus was not born of a virgin, but born of an immaculate love between Mary and Joseph. This, again, goes back to my belief that God cannot break his own laws. Some would say, "Well, God is omnipotent. He can do what he wants." I say, "Yes. He can do what he wants. But if he set up natural laws that 'make the world go round' then he must follow those laws. Otherwise he is not a part of nature and therefore does not exist."

My faith in God and his goodness lies within the proof that I see in the beauty of the human body and the world in which it resides. This trend that belief in the natural order must be suspended in order to be a true Christian doesn't sit well with me.

At the same time, sometimes I wonder: Am I a heretic? Will I be worthy when my Judgement comes? I don't think it is right to change a spiritual perspective simply because you are afraid of condemnation. I must be true to myself, as well as true to my faith and my God.

As my favorite quotable scientist once said, "Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."



Of course, he didn't believe Jesus was born of a virgin birth either. So there you go! Ha!

Animusic

FantasticMachine

I happened upon this and wanted to share. I can just picture a mellow jazz-ish band jamming out to this song at a posh restaurant. Can't you?

If a duck floats in water...

I'm taking this God-awful math class in order to keep my hours up this semester. It is meant to show teachers how to give kids the basics in math. I hate it. I usually read over my pathophysiology notes instead of paying attention. Anyways, that's not exactly what this post is about.

The guy teaching the class kept us late tonight so that he could tell us about the Fibonacci sequence. I think the Fibonacci sequence is pretty darn interesting, but never thought it could be used to create such an uneducated and offensive rationale for Creationism.

His reasoning goes like this: The Fibonocci sequence proves that like comes from like. In Genesis, God states that he created each thing so that they would reproduce 'like from like.' Therefore, everything is the same as it was when God created it and the evolutionists are wrong.
And I quote, "Don't let the evolutionists talk you into believing that Creation is wrong because God created everything at once and this proves it."

So, here's my problem with that. For one, the Fibonocci sequence does not state "1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1=1." It states that 1+1=2, 1+2=3, 2+3=5 and so forth. It changes. It grows. It does not stay the same at all. So how does he rationalize it to be an unchanging thing? He's theory is faulty and wrong and he is spreading his lies at an institution of higher learning.

If anything, this sequence could help explain evolution. One person plus one person gives you two diversified gene sets. Introduce a child (#3) into the picture and you have another gene set. So forth and so on, following the sequence. All of this diversification allows for survival of the fittest and and natural selection. Voila! Evolution!

My second beef with this small-minded ape is the way he acted like anyone who believes in evolution is a fool at best and a heretic at worst. I am neither. I have been taught to use rational thinking to make decisions for myself and not simply accept what some Sunday school teacher shoved down my throat. I am a scientist. I am also a Christian. Christianity helps me develop my morals and directs me on how to be a good person. Science tells me how God created this world we live in. In my mind, the two do not conflict because they aren't discussing the same thing.

Look around us! The world is full of proof of evolution. That doesn't mean God doesn't exist. To me, it proves that God does exist.

We live in an amazing place, one that did not just happen by chance. Just because it took God longer than a week (on our scale) to get us to this point doesn't negate the fact that He did it. Why, as Christians, do we have to believe that God breaks His own laws? Do we not believe that He is smart enough to do what He needs to do within those laws?

Psych Majors

I have big news. Well, semi-big. I have decided to pursue a second degree in psychology and I am taking 13 hours of psych classes in the spring semester (mid-Feb to May). It's going to be a lot of hard work, but I feel I am ready for the challenge and I think that if I'm going to be in school for six years, I Better have two degrees to show for it.

I had to promise my advisor that I would keep my nursing classes first, and not let my grades slip. The only nursing class I am taking this spring is my re-take of Dosages and Calculations. I feel like I am prepared to ace it. Truth is, I HAVE to ace it- so I will.

While a psych degree may not help me be more marketable as a nurse, as some have suggested, I think that it will help me be a better nurse once I get a job. I believe it will also help me with interpersonal relations and understanding where others are coming from. Who knows, maybe it will even make me a better mother when the time comes. Regardless, I think it is a much better choice than taking fluff-classes that will get me nowhere just so I can have my required hours for each semester.

Next semester I am taking Abnormal Psych (which should be fascinating), Educational Pysch (Boring!), Experimental Psych (not sure), and Counseling Psych (which I think will be the most beneficial). Then, this summer I will do two days of 8-hour internships while taking Med-surg1. I'm going to be busting my butt from here on out and I can't wait. It will be good to feel like I am making progress again.

APA can bite my arse.

I'm polishing (more like re-writing) my APA paper for Introduction to Professional Nursing, aka NUR306. It's due tomorrow and while my content is all there, I have yet to write the title page or source page. I still have to go back and correct my internal documentation which is at the moment written in code. Man, I do take the long way around, don't I? When is it due, you ask? Tomorrow at 1PM CST.

On another note, today PVP said that people who listen to Damien Rice are pretentious. I like Damien Rice. This makes me sad. He's good music for those melancholy days that we all encounter every once in a while. Luckily, I haven't had to pull him off the shelf in quite some time now.

Anyways... back to the grindstone.

Memory and Motorcycles

I was in Jackson today. My grandmother had let me borrow her car for my lovely trip to Asheville and I returned it today. It felt strange to drive my 5-speed again. The automatic spoiled me a wee bit, but I'm happy to report that I only stalled out once.

Dad treated me and Mamaw to lunch at Primo's Cafe; a staple in any Jacksonian's diet. I had spaghetti- and then had some more of it for dinner tonight. Mamaw was in good spirits and we all had a nice visit.

Mamaw's short-term memory has really been going down hill for the past year or so. We are all starting to worry about her a little bit. I love my Mamaw dearly and am afraid of the possibility of her slipping away from us mentally. She is such a sharp lady and it's alarming when she pauses before stating my name or tells me the same story three times back-to-back without even considering that she might have said it before.

I'm scared of the possibility that she may not be around for my wedding. As I have stated before, her marriage to my grandfather is my inspiration for how to have a successful marriage. I can't imagine getting married without her there. I want to be the one to carry on her legacy as a devoted wife and mother and I want her to see the beginning of that. I have to consider that this may not happen; but I know my grandmother is a strong lady and I am hoping that she will be here for a long while yet.

After lunch, I pleaded with Dad and he took me out on my brother's CBR 1100. It was a beautiful day and I had a wonderful time. My Dad raced motorcycles in his younger days and he and my brother are avid riders. Rumor has it I was conceived on a motorcycle road-trip. It's in my blood. But I haven't been on a bike in years until today. Just like riding a bicycle, you never forget how to ride a motorcycle.

There is such a feeling of freedom when I am on a bike. I don't have to think because I know my dad is an excellent rider and I'll be safe. The wind is so loud that there is no point in trying to think about anything. You just ride. It's life at its most simple.

guest post

hey hey,

this is wesley. how is everyone? eryn is busy packing up for her drive back to mississippi tomorrow so i was invited to put up a "Special Edition: Wesley Writes" entry.

so tonight we went to the Grove Park Inn and had a splendid dinner. included in the dinner was a nice cabernet; a portobello stuffed with artichokes, red peppers, and boursin cheese (divine, just amazing); local trout with a crabmeat stuffing; a just kickass 9 oz tenderloin; and one heavenly apple crisp with ice cream and hot chocolate. it was a great experience - even the penne and broccoli sides were topnotch. the conversation was quite deep and enlightening (for both people i believe), the view of asheville's skyline and mountains were just right. all in all a fantastic time.

so now i think she's almost done packing and i bid you all adieu. have a great night.

The Long Road Home

"Coming joys, like tropical shores, throw over the immensity before them their inborn softness, an odorous wind, and we are lulled by this intoxication without a thought of the horizon that we do not even know."
Madame Bovary, by Flaubert

Wesley and I are reading this novel in sections sent to us each day by email. This line in particular has caught my attention.

I feel like I am living two lives. One that is so firmly rooted in the present that it not only feels 'grounded' but as if my feet were stuck in the quagmire. It is the lonely existence of a nursing student living with her two cats in a dumpy little town in Mississippi. This life revolves around medical terms, unpaid bills, neighbors, and cats. The good thing about it is that it is real, it is Present. I can dig my heels in and live it. The downside is knowing that my other life feels just as much like home, but isn't yet mine to have.

My second, more ethereal, life is an existence here in Asheville. It's where my love lies. It is where I feel free and limitless. Here I am comfortable and happy, loved and cared for. When I am here, my plans for the future seem obtainable. Asheville is a beautiful place and feels more like home each time I visit. This is partly due to my love and bond with Wesley, which grows stronger each time we are together. It is enhanced by my familiarity with the town as I spend more time exploring it. My 'tropical shores' are hidden in these mountains, sending me faint signals of what life has in store for me if I can only grab hold of it for myself.

I've been in the clouds for the past week and it has been amazing. But I know that my path to the life I want is a trail laid on the ground, full of roots and stones. I think that I am prepared to go back tomorrow and take on my reality because I know that sooner or later that path will lead me back here.

~I have posted pictures of waterfalls and of the highest point east of the Mississippi.